The Crazy New Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher
by Aimi Komori
Summary: Bonnie McGongall is not at all what Hogwarts students expected. wip.
1. Minerva's Lunatic Niece

The Crazy New Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher, Bonnie McGonagall  
  
By Aimi  
Time Setting: 5th year  
  
Summary: The students of Hogwarts suspect that Professor McGonagall's niece, Bonnie McGongall is going to be a lot like her. What they get is a teacher who reacts to the smallest things and has be known to go bonkers over the silliest things.  
DADA shall never be the same again. Everyone thinks that'll she won't make it as a teacher and be fired at the end of the year.  
Who knows....that darn cat!  
  
~*~  
  
Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress stared long and hard the letter Albus had given her to read.  
Dearest Headmaster of Hogwarts,  
I've recently understood that your school has a need for a new Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher.  
In closed is my resume.  
My Aunt and deputy headmistress, Minerva McGonagall, could tell you more about my education and work.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Bonnie Joule Silme McGonagall  
Minerva reread the letter several times before rolling it up briskly. "What nonsense! She's not worthy of a teaching position! Let alone the right to an wand!"  
Albus sat behind he's desk, eating chocolate frogs. "Why is that?"  
  
She sat down in a nearby chair. "My niece tries to be helpful, but often she gets in the way." Her face looked sobered. "A lot like my little brother, Noble."  
Albus nodded and looked a little sad. "We all miss him, Minerva. He was a good man."  
She nodded. "I think Bonnie would have been a little less accident prone if her mother sent her here for her education instead of that fancy all girls witches school in the Caribbean.  
It only made her fluffy head and I think perhaps on the mad side."  
Albus stood. "The new term is almost upon us and we still have not a teacher for DADA."  
He picked up the resume that was with the letter and scanned. "Graduated with top honors, won Witches Weekly's Most Charming Charm contest, Auror training, attended and graduated from Wingling University of Advance Witchcraft. She seems to be very qualified for the job."  
  
Minerva sighed heavily. "It's up to you, Albus."  
~*~  
Bonnie let a whoop of joy in her house in Hogsmeade.   
Her husband and Minister of World Magic, left the haven of he's study to see what he's mad wife was going on about.  
She ran up and hugged Alex Silme tightly. "What has gotten you so happy?"  
Thoughts raced he's mind, some good and some horrifying him to think about.'  
"You are looking at the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, love!"  
  
He gave her a loving smile and hug. "Wonderful news!"  
She skipped out of the living room, almost tripping on the box full of floo powder on the cluttered floor.  
  
He straighten his robes and disappeared from the room.  
Bonnie walked back in. "Love, do you want some tea--Alex?" She scanned the room and shrugged. "More tea for me...."  
~*~  
  
She arrived at the school two weeks prior to the start of the school year.  
Alex left early that morning without saying good bye, it was hard being married to the Minister of World Magic.  
The empty train slowed as it enter the station, she whistled at the sight befell her. "Auntie is lucky to work here or what?" Said into the thin stale air.  
  
Something gray streak past her outside her seating box.   
Curious, she sat up and looked out the door. It was just a cat that had strayed in at Hogsmeade station.  
She walked out and tried to approach the animal, but it streaked away. On instinct from her previous training as an Auror, she chased after it.  
"WOULD YOU STOP, KITTY!" She cried as she raced through several cars.   
  
Somehow the cat managed to escape the train and get outside, and yet Bonnie chased on for no reason, but for the sheer stupidity of it.  
The cat raced towards a untied boat on the edge of the lake and started to float away.   
Bonnie thought she could jump it but landed in the lake instead.  
  
Someone laughed from the boat as Bonnie emerged from the freezing water. "Aunt Minnie!" She said with a wail of despair. "Why did you do that!?"  
She heard even more laughter, behind her on the shore, some of the other Hogwarts teacher had gather to greet the new professor, but were instead laughing at her.  
  
She turned bright red and climb out of the lake, mentally cursing her mean Aunt.  
Bonnie was a sight to look at. Bright red robes, looked like the darkest color of red, silver framed glasses askew, and long hair in a mess of lake crud and tangles.  
~*~  
She flew onto her bed and grabbed her journal off the night stand and began to write.  
  
My thoughts on my fellow colleagues....  
Severus Snape seems to have emotional problems from being under the rule of Adolph--er He Who Must Not be named (Still find that name redundant...). I should suggest to Madame Pomfrey to have him remove that stick up he's bum, it's making him act like a constipated wiener dog.  
Professor Binns is by far the scariest....Why? HE'S DEAD AND DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE!!!  
He so gloomy (Yeah ghosts are suppose to be like that, sort of. Nearly Headless Nick is kind of disgustingly cheerful for a ghost) and he kept telling me during dinner about what happen to previous DADA professors....It made me wanna hide under my blankie and never come out.  
Hooch, let's say....the UK's Janet Reno....  
From what I hear, she makes sure all the Quidditch games are played fairly.  
Poppy Pomfrey, reminds me of a worrying mum. I swear you sneeze and she has some sort of potion to shove down you.  
Albus Dumbledore, my employer. Erm hate to say this, but Santa Claus and Winnie the Pooh comes to mind.  
Aunt, well now I have to call her, Professor McGongall. Anyway, she's same as always. Using me as a big joke for her to show all, but I guess she's still a still sad about my father. She always mentions how much I'm like him and then insults me.  
I could go on and on telling you my thoughts about these people, but it would fill the book up completely and I must sleep.  
~*~  
Minerva entered Bonnie's office early the next day to find her niece with goblin figures singing 'What Girl Wants' and being judge by mini Simones. Every time one of the Mini Simons got annoyed, he'd zap the Goblin who was sing in the butt with it's wand.  
Who knew that Simon from AI could go that far to be mean.  
  
The mini Simons looked up at a amused Bonnie. "They all sing like dead stuck pigs with hernias."  
  
"Ahem, Bonnie?" Said Minerva from the doorway.  
Bonnie jumped and waved her wands at her crazed figures. "Yes?"  
"What may I ask will be your method of teaching this year?"  
Bonnie waved her wand and two cups of hot tea were on her desk. "Lot's of punishments. Making them sing the Barney theme song, kiss the butts of random statues, give them outrageous homework assignments."  
Minerva sighed and picked up the cup of tea. "Seriously, Bonnie."  
Bonnie pouted and crossed her arms. "Your bossy! I don't want you as my friend anymore!" She stuck her tongue out and giggled.  
  
~*~  
  
TBC in Chapter two.  
  
Title of chapter two: 'First Day As Professor McGongall, Ahhhhhh!'  
PS Silly to ask....review, please.  
Just don't flame and be rude.  
Manners rock! ;D  
PSS  
This shall get more humorous as I go on with it. I promise. 


	2. Trolls, Iced Peeves, and First Day of Cl...

The Crazy New Defense Against Dark Arts Teacher, Bonnie McGonagall  
By Aimi  
Time Setting: 5th year  
Thanks for the review!!  
~*~  
Bonnie idly nibbled on the end of her quill. So far she had met every teacher, including the freak upstairs who thinks all her silly predictions will come true.  
The door of her office opened.   
She raised a eyebrow, her face looked to be amused. "Peeves is it?"  
Peeves sang a silly little diddy about Bonnie and tried throwing her nice collection of wild hair colored troll dolls, which luckily she caught. He was about to leave when he was turned to ice.  
The ice chunked Peeves hit the ground and she snickered. "Thought you were untouchable, huh? Nobody gets away with touching my troll dolls without some sort of punishment!!"  
The iced look on Peeves face was an Kodak moment. "All right, I'll be nice and let you out, cream puff. But if you ever mess up GI Joe troll's buzz cut again, you'll regret it."  
~*~  
An hour later from her little ice party, a knock came at her door.  
"It's open." She called from her seat on the floor.  
The door open to have a very important ghost come in. "Mr. Peeves is suing you for emotional trauma."  
Bonnie spitted out her long island tea. "Trauma my foot! He came in here insulting me!"  
The ghost shoved her some papers. "So do you want to pay for the damages or go to Paranormal Court?"  
  
She stood up and rolled her eyes. "No, I'm not paying psycho nympho freak nothin'."  
The ghost got all huffed up and walked out saying she'd regret this, which she answered with a kiss my a--....too explicit for you all to know.  
~*~  
Bonnie ran into the dining hall like Voldemort was hot on her tail. "QUICK! I NEED A PARANORMAL LAWYER!!!!" She ran up to every care taker, teacher, ghost, cat, owl, suit of armor, and even asked Hargid's pumpkins (They didn't say anything, cause there pumpkins...duh).  
  
Her Aunt stood up from her place at dinner. "Professor McGonagall, what has gotten into you?"  
Bonnie nibbled on her finger nails and hummed the theme from the Titanic. "Hmm? What?"  
Everyone was quiet as they watch the McGonagalls. Heck, Professor Dumbledore said this was better then the Muggle's Osborne Family, which confused the others who had never seen muggle telly.  
  
Minerva made a exasperated sound. "Why were you yelling for a paranormal attorney? Goodness, Hagrid told me you went into he's garden harassing he's plants about it."  
  
Bonnie twitch, she couldn't keep still. "And they were so rude! They did not give me any sort of answer!"  
Hagrid got a little mad at that. "Teh'not rude, yer mad that's what!"  
Bonnie looked at her nice black loafers trying to remember what color socks she was wearing, so she pulled up her robes and saw one pink sock and one lime green. "Oooh pretty...."  
A piece of paper slipped out of her robe, which she didn't notice. So Minerva picked up and read it, hoping it was a note stating that Bonnie was crazy and needed to be placed in a home, but alas no. "WHAT!?"  
  
Bonnie blinked. "Yah? Oh! I need a paranormal lawyer, I'm being sued by Peeves."  
Argus clapped his hands. "I was wondering why Peeves won't leave the third floor. Good job."  
Minerva gave him a sharp glare and Bonnie nodded happily, saying she was happy to be of service.  
~*~   
  
A week and a paranormal trial later.  
Colin joined Harry, Ron, and Hermione from there car on the train going towards Hogwarts. "How's it going, Harry?" He said, still awed by Harry even after all these years.  
And Harry answered the question as he always did and Colin seemed not to care if he's answer came out in mono tone.  
"Heard about the new DADA professor?" He asked cheerfully.  
Before anyone could say anything, Hermione was running off a long list of things the new professor did, most of it was boring.  
  
An hour later and Colin repeated he's question. "No?"  
"She's mad as they come." Dawdled the voice of Draco Malfoy, behind him Crabbe and Goyle. "She's McGonagalls' niece."  
Everyone groaned and rolled there eyes.  
Malfoy's sneer dropped quickly and was replaced by surprise. "What?!"  
"Don't you ever get tired of this little game you play every single year?" Asked a bored Harry.  
Colin turned he's camera towards Malfoy, flashed him, and company with he's empty camera. Everyone flinched.  
Ron angrily grabbed the camera away from Colin. "Your just mad with this thing!"  
They all looked back to see what Malfoy's wrath was to be, but he was gone.  
  
Ron looked at Harry. "That was weird."  
Harry nodded in agreement.  
~*~  
Meanwhile....  
Bonnie had spent since early that morning trying to get her troll doll's bright pink hair looking like a punk rocker. Sadly as mini Simons said, it was the 'N'Stink' do.  
"Fine, be that way, troll!" She waved her wand and had the Troll look like it was mooning people. "So you get the terrible job as the eternal mooner of DADA class. That ought to teach you." Which the mini Simons applauded.  
She picked up her long island tea and sipped it, looking happily at her personalized classroom.   
Literal. Her name flashed on the walls, ceiling, chairs, bookshelf, desks, anywhere.  
~*~  
Sorting and Dinner...  
Harry tried to see where the new DADA teacher was, but everyone was moving around so much that it was hard to see anyone.  
  
"Do you think she's anything like her aunt?" Asked Lee Jordan as he downed a goblet of juice.  
Another spoke up. "I heard if you make a slightly mistake, she turns you into a troll doll!"  
That got a gasps out of a few first years and they all paled.  
Ron gulped and Hermione rolled her eyes. "She does not." Hermione said firmly. "That would get her into big trouble with Dumbledore."  
~*~  
Harry and friends entered the DADA classroom to be met with the words Bonnie and McGonagall all over the place.   
They sat down, the professor wasn't there yet.  
"Boy she must have a ego bigger then Lockhart...." Ron said as he looked at the flashing words.  
Seamus pointed to the mooning troll on the desk. "Is it mooning us?"  
Hermione rolled her eyes and started reading a book from her bag.  
The door to the class room opened, it's hinges even squeaked 'Bonnie McGongall!' and they all got very quiet.  
The DADA teacher was tall and willowy in a robe of lavender with embroidered white lilies, her glasses were silver framed and round, her face was freckled, her long hair dark brown hair had pale blue highlights through out it.  
  
"I love you robes!" Someone commented.  
She smiled as she sat at her appointed place. "Thank you." She picked some lent off it. "It picks up everything, but money."  
That got a chuckle out of the class.  
She waved her wand and all the Bonnie McGonagall stuff was gone. "Quick quiz!" She passed around the quiz, which had one question.  
  
What's my name?  
  
A. Bonnie  
B. Betty  
C. Minerva  
D. Google.Com  
E. FanFiction.Net  
It took them all real quick to complete it and she seemed really pleased when they all answered quickly. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"  
She leaned on her desk. "Okay who here has ever owned a Dorkness Halfafoot?"  
Everyone chuckled at the name.  
She picked up a cage from behind her desk. "Ugly here is not laughing matter." She removed the cloth that was on the cage, which let out a nasty rotten egg smell. "They stink and they are not good for pets. Anyone want to pet Bert?"  
Bert the Dorkness Halfafoot, stood on one thin leg, had short stubby arms, three long noses, long droopy ears, and was fuzzy with black and brown hair.  
No one raised there hands. "Good, 'cause then you'll stink too. Dogs are trained to protect there owners, well the Dorkness Halfafoot does that too. They can sense a bad wizard or dark magic from several miles off. Does anyone know what they do when they sense things like that?"  
Hermione's hand shot up. "They start to shed and wail."  
Bonnie nodded. "Correct. Here is your assignments, you each take care of Bert here, until you each have done one day of it. Remember to use long gloves when handling him, you all will get a parchment of a how to care for him." She scanned the class room looking for her first target. "You there who looks like they need a hair cut."  
Harry pointed to himself. "Me?"  
Bonnie rolled her eyes. "No, yes I mean you. What's your name?"  
"Harry Potter."  
Bonnie nodded. "Potter dude, you get to start us with the great Dorkness Halfafoot care project. Why am I making you do this? So when you get older you can get a one these babies and know how to care for them. You care for them and they'll protect you."  
  
She looked at her wrist watch. "Class is over. Potter-man, come up front."  
Harry walked up to the front, he had a feeling he was going to regret this.   
~*~  
TBC in chapter two!   
  
Review please!! Please!! 


	3. Dorkness Gone Wild

Chapter Three; Giant Troll Doll, Dorkness Gone Wild and Chasing a Pink Sheep...  
  
By Aimi Komori  
Daadaaa thanks for the reviews guys!!!!! ;D   
~*~  
Bonnie happily hummed about her room, she felt pleased with her first day as a teacher.  
"Professor!" Growled someone as they slammed the door to her tower room.  
She turned around in her seat, a desk near the huge window, "Professor Snape, I still suggest you go see Poppy about getting that stick out of your butt."  
"I shall pretend I didn't hear that, Bonnie," He said sharply. "A Dorkness!?" He screamed, "A Dorkness!?"  
Bonnie stood up and nodded, "Yeah, so? Oh, I know! You can't have one 'cause they'll freak around you!" She stuck her tongue out at him.  
Snape's face turned twisted and ugly, and very red, "How dare you!"  
"How dare you come storming in here about my Dorkness class......deatheater."  
Now his nostrils were flaring and Bonnie quickly raced out of the room when she saw he's wand was out. "NOOOOOoooooo...."  
~*~  
  
Minerva was grading quiz papers when Bonnie came running into the room, and hiding under a desk like a scared little child, "What did you do now, Bonnie?"  
Bonnie blinked and tears appeared. "Nothing......" She sobbed into her right sleeve of her white robes. "Ssssss....Servus was being mean to meeeeeee...." She went on crying and babbling for about a good hour.  
"And he gave me such a mean look!!!" She was now sobbing in Minerva's robe, "He needs to be grounded....."  
By then the kind and understanding Aunt McGonagall had gone to, enraged Professor McGonagall, "My lord, Bonnie! You didn't bother asking him why he was so upset and to top it all off, you called him something that he is trying to forget!!"  
Bonnie blinked and fell backwards, hard on her bum. "Buuuuut, he was going to say something mean, I just know it!!!"  
Meanwhile in Albus's office....  
"I understand that your highly upset with the Professor, but she's very sensitive," Said Albus as he ate some Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, "Now what's this about a neon pink sheep?"  
Snape paced the office. "I believe, her insanity, Bonnie, has let loose a sheep. Which was made a mess in my classroom!!"  
Back in Minerva's Classroom.  
  
Minerva gave her niece a good kick in the bum out of her classroom, "Go tell him your sorry and talk like adults about whatever problems you or he has."  
Bonnie blinked and wailed on the floor.   
  
"NOOOOOooooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOooooOOOOOOooooo....."  
~*~  
Bonnie blinked as she saw what look like a neon pink sheep go running out of the Great Hall, being chased by the house elves, "Now I've seen everything--well I have yet to see a GIANT troll dolly with a pretty rainbow hair do...." As soon as she said that, there came the giant troll dolly falling out of the great hall on it's face. "Weird....."  
She waved her wand and a long island ice tea was in her hand, she sipped it slowly. "I know just where to put you..." She giggled and waved her wand once more.  
~*~  
Harry had just gotten back from the Great Hall when he entered the common room.  
"HARRY!" Came the yell of Longbottom as he ran down the stairs. "It's gone!! That smelly thing that Professor Bonnie gave you to care for!!!"  
They both raced up the stairs, to find indeed, that the Dorkness was gone. O_O There eyes were wide as saucers.  
"YAAAHHHOOOOO!" Something from the ceiling fell onto Harry's back. "Get up, cowboy!!!"  
Neville blinked and backed away. "Do--dor---do---DORKNESS!"   
The Dorkness was clinging to Harry's back wearing a cowboy outfit. "Yeeehaw!!!"  
Ron enter the room. "Bloody hell."  
  
~*~  
"Snanpeeeeeiiiiieeeeiiiiieeeeee!" Bonnie called sickingly sweetly, outside the potion master's room, "Yahoo? Anybodies here?"  
The door flunged open and she caught a whiff of icy air, "What do you want, Defense Against Dark Arts Mistress?"  
Her empty glass refilled itself with more long island tea. "I am here to say I am sorry, /potions master/" The last two words came out sarcastically. "Also, what was the dilly-o your complaining about earlier?"  
His eyes narrowed. "You haven't a clue to teach a class such as yours."  
She sipped her drink. "I have a few, but it seems the voices in my head are on a winter break. So what's wrong with my Dorkness?"  
"BAAAAAA!" Something started pulling on the bottom of Bonnie's robe, her eyes widen. "You again!"  
Snape turned very red and growled. "I'll get you, you dumb animal!!"  
The sheep ran gaily away....  
~*~  
It had taken the three of them to force the Dorkness back into it's cage.   
Ron wipped his forhead and let out a sigh of relief. "That was almost as bad as Cornish Pixies. Oi, does it smell..."  
Neville nodded and Harry watched as the crazed creature rolled in its' bedding.   
"Who think back in DADA class that thing was that mad!" Exclaimed Neville.  
"PARTHAY!!!!!!! Woohoo!!!" Cried the Dorkness as it slammed itself into the cage bars. "Get down! Ya'll are phat! With a p h a t! Let's party homeboys, yos' all can chill in my crib." It cheekily pointed down to it's mess in the cage.  
Seamus enter the room and paled. "You all stink!!" He raced out of the room.  
Harry sniffed the sleeve of his robe. "He's right..."  
~*~  
TBC Review, please!!!!!  
  
Oh yeah, REVIEW please? ^_~ Thanks guys. 


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